One evening about 14yrs ago, a little boy from my village was gathering napier grass cut by his
grandmother by the roadside. A lorry lost control, ran over him, crushing and killing him
instantly. It shook me like everyone else but I realized i didn’t understand death by then. Because
few days or a week later, I came across his very little brother and cunningly asked him about his
elder brother’s whereabouts. He was so young so I tried to read if he understood what had
happened. Of course he didn’t but I regret to date.
5yrs later, I lost my parents in a tragic way. Throughout the one week of preparation and burial, I
lost my senses. It was like an external force just pushed me to do things as they were ought to.
After the burial, reality struck. I had not seen the grave well so first thing I did the following
morning was to visit. It was in furthest end of our large family land in the middle of banana
thicket. I squatted right beside the grave, tears flowed freely as I tried to puzzle out how life
would be. As I subconsciously touched the fresh roses, a villager appeared from our neighbor’s
side. She said hi and left. I knew she had out of curiosity come to survey how a double grave
looked like. Just days later, that incident was already known to almost every villager including
my ‘family’. Nobody understood, instead, I was scolded and told I was tarnishing the family’s
name. “What will people think? That you’re being mistreated? You think we are not also
mourning?” I let it slide.
1yr later my favorite aunt (I’m named after her) died. I had started living with her. I again faced a
wave of grief. Life moved on anyway.
5yrs later, I lost one of my grandmothers. That woman had and has a special place in my heart.
Back in 2015, granny had accompanied me to be admitted in Kiria-in Girls High school, visited
me severally, picked me and I stayed at her place over the half-terms.
Then just one year after, I lost my uncle to a road accident. I didn’t cry, maybe I had gotten used
to pain. But I was grieving.
Less than a year later another uncle lost his child. I had not interacted with the child, but I felt the
pain. It was devastating to imagine and see the pain of the young parents. I cried.
The occurrences have hardened me but left me fearing to die. Not because I have much to lose,
but because I imagine what my beloved would go through. My children having to cope without a
mother. My grandchildren having to just know me from photos like my kids do. What about
everybody else who I’ll have left a mark in their hearts?
Everyone shall die anyway, and everyone shall experience losing a loved one.
But before then I choose to create awareness. People who have never lost a loved one do not
understand grief as much and it is understandable. But it’s not an excuse for not letting others
grieve.
Grief comes in waves because it is like an oscillation between two forms of life: the old one,
where habits are known and present. And a new form of life with changing dynamics.
Grieving is normal and there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is a personal experience.
Some people experience grief through tears, anger, numbness, sleeping or not sleeping, eating or
not eating, through overprotectiveness of others and many more. The important thing is to allow
time for grief however it feels for you.
People will mock, “she/he still refers to themselves as an orphan at the age of ‘30’ Coz they don’t
understand. That every now and then, something reminds you of your gone parent. For instance,
you’re walking down the aisle, only your dad holding your hand or neither of your parents. The
congregation is enjoying every bit. It should be your day, but you’re breaking. Because the pain
pierces much than the immediate loss. But few will understand.
When life gets too tough, you’ve lost your job, in bad health, can’t pay your bills but you got
nowhere to go. You’ll wish your mother was alive. Because even at your age of 40’s your
mother’s hands would be the safest to run into.
And your dad, people will question why you still cry over a drunkard but only yourself know the
impact and joy it would bring you to have him at the negotiating table during your dowry
payment. You buy your first car and how you wish you would travel home unannounced, pick
him from the local shopping Centre and watch him proudly tell his mates,” This is my
son/daughter who I sent to college after selling my piece of land”
They’ll ask, why doesn’t she/he get over her partner’s death? Wasn’t she tired of the long fights?
They had separated anyway. They will not understand the emptiness. They will not understand
that in every milestone that your child or children make, you wish your partner would witness it.
Despite the quarrels, your prayer was a complete family. Not death as the solution.
They’ll find it silly to mourn over your 100+ granny. “They lived long enough,” they’ll say and
yes, it’s true. But however much time you spend with someone you love, enough is never
enough!
People will gossip, “It is 17yrs later and they still talk about the death of their three weeks, two
months baby. It was too young to prolong the grief this far. Besides, she’s got four other
children.” Unless it happens to them, they will not understand. They will not understand that
every year on their birthday you figure out how old your gone child would be turning. You see
your friends celebrating their children who are the same age as your own would be. No child can
replace another. Let them mourn. And miscarriage, is also loss, death.
You lose a friend; they don’t get it. They don’t get why you fell into depression. “They were just
friends “they’ll say. They don’t understand what you both shared. They can’t maintain
friendships anyway.
ALLOW PEOPLE TO GRIEVE!!!
To anyone grieving, don’t let anybody undermine your loss. GRIEVE! Cry! Scream! It fades;
you’ll get used to the new life. And if it hurts sixty years later, grieve coz it an individual
encounter